I am re-reading this spiritual autobiography of the well known Christian author, artist, and advocate for the disabled, Joni Eareckson Tada. Here’s what I wrote the first time I read the book:

The book is basically a re-telling of Joni’s life with more emphasis on her childhood and her life after the publication of her first, very successful, attempt at spiritual autobiography, Joni, written about 30 years ago. For those who haven’t been running in evangelical circles for as long as that, Joni Tada is a beautiful Christian author and artist; she is also a quadriplegic, injured in a diving accident when she was still a teenager. Joni writes about growing up as the youngest of four daughters in a home where her father was “bigger than life.” She also remembers horseback riding and playing the piano, travel and discovering family secrets, teenage rebellion and, of course, The Accident. She gives hope to those dealing with depression by telling about her own bouts with depression and anxiety.

Part 1 of The God I Love ends with Joni’s disillusionment with God at the age of eleven when she prayed that God would help her win a big race that she ran—-and He didn’t. Joni writes, “Yet what hurt most was, quite simply, my humiliating and resounding defeat. It made me very disappointed in God. . . . My request was so small, not very demanding. Why couldn’t he have lifted his little finger to push me across that finish line ahead of the others? . . . I ran home, leaving the church behind. As well as something of my childhood.”

I may chuckle a bit at an eleven year old expecting God to favor her in a race, but I’m not sure my expectations are much more in line with God’s purposes than hers. Nor are my questions that much different from Joni’s. Why doesn’t God heal that friend or family member that we prayed for so intently? Even more puzzling, why does He heal this one and not that one? If God can remove a cancerous tumor, why doesn’t He ever replace or regrow an amputated limb? Is either miracle too hard for Almighty God? Are we never supposed to pray for the favors we think we want, or is it O.K. to pray for good grades and test scores, winning games, career advancement, and physical healing, as long as we tack on an “if it is Your will” at the end of the prayer? Can we pray for physical healing but not for mental and spiritual healing (because: free will)? God can override the body gone wrong, but not the soul gone astray? Are we only supposed to pray about daily food, forgiveness, and God’s will be done, as in the Model Prayer, or is God bigger and interested in hearing from us about everything that concerns us? When I pray and talk to God over and over about the worries and heartaches that repeat themselves over and over in my heart and mind, am I just worrying and disguising my worry as prayer? Or does God want me to ask over and over again like the woman in the parable of the importunate widow (Luke 18:1-8). “We ought always to pray and not give up.”

I’m barely more wise or mature in the ways of prayer and the Holy Spirit and understanding God’s ways of speaking and answering than eleven year old Joni was when God disappointed her. I have prayers that God has not yet answered affirmatively or negatively, requests that I believe are much more important and more in line with His will than winning a footrace. I have requests that He has not yet granted despite my repeated and persistent begging. Nevertheless, I will not give up or quit asking, seeking, knocking. For yet, like Joni, “I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him against that day.” I commit even my most cherished and desperate prayer requests to Him, trusting Him to do what is right and good and loving in all things.