Nominated for 2011 Cybil Awards, Young Adult Fiction category. Nominated by Lisa Jenn Bigelow.
“Frances, a Chinese-American student at an academically competitive school in San Francisco, has always had it drilled into her to be obedient to her mother and to be a straight-A student so that she can get into Berkeley to become a doctor. It has never even occurred to Frances to question her own feelings and desires until she accidentally winds up in speech class and finds herself with a hidden talent.”
Bitter Melon was pitched to me as sort of the “anti-Tiger Mother novel,” the Rest of the Story from the pressured child’s point of view. I would have thought about Ms. Chua’s recent controversial child-rearing memoir as I read Bitter Melon even if the association between the two books hadn’t been brought to my attention. Amy Chua apparently believes (I haven’t actually read her book, Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother) that children should be raised in a very strict, competitive, and pressured environment so that they will learn to achieve their best and be proud of themselves. In her Wall Street Journal article, Chua talks about giving praise and encouragement along with (or after) the initial response to substandard grades or performance which is to ” excoriate, punish and shame the child,” but it looks as if the positive reinforcement and simple love get short shrift in the Tiger Mother model for raising kids. Such methods may work to produce highly competent pianists or doctors, but I would argue that there’s a dark side to to this parenting technique that borders on the abusive, if it doesn’t actually cross over into child abuse.
Not all cultural traditions are equally moral, virtuous, and yes, Christ-like. The Chinese and other Asian cultures may have many things to teach the West about principled behavior, honoring parents, and even teaching children to excel, but shaming children and beating them and controlling their actions by force and by emotional manipulation even into young adulthood are not right ways of treating the children that God has placed into our families, no matter how brilliantly it makes them perform. Love is not, or should not be, based on performance, and our children should never wonder whether we will continue to love them if they fail.
Sadly enough, Frances in the book Bitter Melon sees herself making a choice between pleasing family (her mother’s expectations) and speaking her own truth. She writes, “Then the question of whether to choose one’s family at the expense of oneself or oneself at the expense of one’s family has no easy answer. It is like choosing whether to cut off one’s right hand or one’s left hand.” There is a third way: we can teach our children that they are ultimately responsible before God to praise, enjoy, and glorify Him forever. It’s not all about me. Nor is it all about family and making my parents happy. Life is about accepting the love of the One who created me, loving Him with all my heart, mind and strength, and glorifying Him with my talents and abilities, serving others as if they were the Lord Jesus Christ, and honoring my parents even if I must defy their expectations. It’s still not an easy answer, but it is right, and God’s way of living transcends culture, both East and West.
Bitter Melon is a good novel, and a good antidote to the poisonous temptation of making human excellence and/or filial devotion one’s god.
