The Headmistress at The Common Room has a wonderful list of Rules My Mama Never Told Me I’d Have to Make. My favorite rule of hers: “Do not glue your Cabbage Patch doll to the floor. And not to Daddy’s flight jacket either. And don’t glue it to the couch. And not the chair. Do not glue that baby anywhere.”

And here are some rules my mama never gave me and never warned me about:

When constructing a toy cannon out of household odds and ends, do not use powdered red tempera paint for gunpowder on your mother’s bedroom carpet.

Do not urinate on the garden.

Do not eat a bottle of vitamins. If you do consume a bottle of vitamins, do not feed them to your two year old sister to disguise the amount of vitamins consumed.

Blue chalk is for drawing, not eating. (However, if you call Poison Control, they will tell you that it is probably not toxic.)

Do not put bologna in the computer CD drive.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, but judging from appearances, they are not: Books belong in the bookshelf; candy wrappers belong in the trash; and wet, dirty towels belong in the wash.

Flip-flops are not appropriate church attire. (I’ve given up on this one in order to save my breath for more important battles.)

Do not allow the (large) dog to sit on your baby sister.

Children should sleep in their own beds, not in their parents’ bed, not in the living room floor, not on the trampoline, not in someone else’s bed —in their very own beds.

Do not play tic-tac-toe with Sharpie marker on the wall. Do not play tic-tac-toe with Sharpie marker on the back of the new leather couch. Do not touch a Sharpie marker until you are eighteen years old, and then only with the written permission of both parents.

Mommy and Daddy are not substitute jungle gyms.

Picking up a snake at the nature center and bringing it to your mother to ask her to identify said snake is not a good idea. Especially if the snake might be a copperhead. Especially if the snake IS a copperhead.

Baby possums trapped in the trash can are not cute. They are likely instead to be vicious and rabid.